Make the ring tones of all cell phones sound like farting.

Never buy anything which is advertised. That goes for soap, music, and politicians alike.

Only allow candidates for political office to spend as much on their campaigns as they put into the public school system.

Only allow people to own maybe two, maybe three actual homes. The day this law passes and all those superfluous homes hit the market we'll all be able to buy the places we live in.

I always wanted to give a songwriting seminar where the first half-hour you go round in a circle, everyone has to sing an original song, and everybody else has to trash it, really, really trash it. "You should kill yourself and save somebody having to take the trouble"..."you have no excuse to live and inflict such pain on people"...etc. Then, magically, on the half hour, you continue around the circle with the original songs, however good or bad, and everybody has to praise them, really, really overboard, glowing, golden praise. "I want to have your baby. Right now"..."You are clearly descended from the gods"..."What is wrong with this world that you should ever have to lift a finger to do anything but songwrite again"... etc.
The idea would be to steel people to the onslaught of utterly ill-timed and inappropriate comments headed their way if they ever take up a course of self-expression of any kind. The moral would hopefully surface that it only matters what your own assessment is of your work, and everyone else be damned.

Send George Stephanopolous to cover Baghdad and ask him to stand a little closer to the artillery.

When people get on the "It's A Small World" ride at Disneyland,
where all the little children's voices sing "It's A Small World After All"
over and over for twenty minutes,
just make sure everybody has a shotgun.

Make sure that people who play "medleys" of only part of a tune
or play a fiddle tune 2-3 times and then change to a different tune
have to read maps in the dark for all eternity. May I suggest, you people who do that, why don't you find a tune you actually like?