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PRUNING THE POLITICAL LANDSCAPE...7-01-95, C. Denney
RADIO SKIT....UC WEDDINGS...7-1-95
ANNOUNCER: "Disneyland's recent decision to allow wedding ceremonies inside the Magic Kingdom's gates has inspired a similar fund-raising opportunity at the UC Berkeley campus. Prospective brides and grooms are taken on a tour through the campus, where wedding setting possiblities range in prices from modest to immoderate in the hope of offsetting the state's budget cuts....let's listen in..."
UC HOST: "So, uh, what are you and the little woman in the market for?"
WEDDING COUPLE: "Well, uh...oh, hee heee...(they giggle a little)."
SHE: "We just want something simple, maybe outdoors."
HE: "Nothing too fancy, outside might be nice, yes..."
UC WEDDING HOST: (crowd sound effects) "I got just the thing, come on over here, over here we got the standard Sproul Plaza package only $2,000. It's got that real Berkeley atmosphere, doesn't it?"
HE: "Well, it's a little crowded, and, well, these people are kind of strange..."
SHE: "Yes, this seems a little too public, somehow."
UC WEDDING HOST: "Too bad...some great extras come with this package; the naked guy officiates and Rick Starr sings "Oh, Sweet Mysteries of Life. But I think you might prefer the Peoples Park package, (sound of footsteps) it's a bargain at $600...(sound of sports game)
SHE: "You mean, right here next to this volleyball game?"
UC WEDDING HOST: "Oh, it's not this noisy when they go off their shift."
HE: "You mean you pay them to play volleyball here in Peoples Park? But I thought you guys were strapped for cash?"
UC WEDDING HOST: "Uh, well....it's a long story. But they're gone as soon as we stop paying them and it's really quiet when their shift ends...except for the basketball players, of course."
SHE: "Uh, I think we'd better check out some indoor locations."
HE: "Yes, I think perhaps an indoor chapel setting might suit us better."
UC WEDDING HOST: "Got just the thing and (footsteps) it's not too far away, either, for, heh heh, obvious reasons. Welcome to the clean, cool holding cell for the UC Police Department." (clang of cell door)
SHE: "Jail? You mean people get married here in jail?"
UC WEDDING HOST: "It has lots of conveniences! The privacy, of course, and we have photography equipment real handy. There's a nice echo, and--"
HE: "Uh, I think some other location would be more suitable."
SHE: "Really. This just doesn't seem appropriate at all."
UC WEDDING HOST: "Sure, no problem. I got another indoor location over here, the uh, animal experimentation labs..." (sound of animals, etc)
HE AND SHE: "Oh, no, no, this is just not what I envisioned, etc."
UC WEDDING HOST: "Well, then how about the space sciences lab? It's cool, it's quiet, it's only $1500 and the radiation exposure is really kept to a minimum these days."
HE: "Uh, I think we're going to have to think about this..."
SHE: "Yes, I guess I might have wanted a church wedding after all..."
HE: "So nice to meet you, and, uh, thank you so much for showing us around..."
SHE: (getting farther away) "And good luck with your wedding business and all..."
HE: "Yes, of course, good luck with your UC wedding business..."
UC WEDDING HOST: "Damn. There goes another couple. Lost another sale. Well, that's okay, the budget never seems to cut into top administrative salaries, does it, Chancellor?"
CHANCELLOR TIEN: "Of course not! We must remain competitive with the private sector!"
UC WEDDING HOST: "That's the ticket, heh heh. (Fading...) Maybe we can sell photo ops with the naked guy."
CHANCELLOR TIEN: "Or with me! Photo ops with me!"
UC WEDDING HOST: "Sure thing, Chang-Lin, sure thing."